Raising Boys and Girls Without Passing Down Shame | Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, Shameless Parenting
Understanding Boys & Girls
Equipping parents during their child’s academic years to bring learning to daily moments.
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On today’s episode…
How do we raise boys and girls without unintentionally passing down shame? Dr. Kelly Cagle sits down with Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, author of Shameless Parenting, to explore how childhood development, family environment, and cultural messages shape the way kids see themselves. They discuss setting healthy boundaries without shame, approaching mistakes with curiosity instead of criticism, and how repair and grace can help break unhealthy patterns for the next generation.
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Show Notes
Raising Boys and Girls Without Passing Down Shame
Every parent brings something from their own childhood into the way they raise their kids. Some of it is beautiful and worth passing down. Other parts—shame, fear, expectations, or messages about who we were supposed to be—may be things we want to leave behind.
In this episode of Parenting IQ, Dr. Kelly Cagle talks with Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, author of Shameless Parenting, about understanding the developmental needs of boys and girls while creating a home where children can grow into who they were created to be.
One of the most encouraging reminders from their conversation is this: we don't have to parent perfectly. We do need to keep learning.
Understand the Stage Before Correcting the Behavior
A behavior that frustrates us may actually make much more sense when we understand what our child is experiencing developmentally.
Young children test boundaries as they begin discovering who they are. Teenagers push for independence while still needing guidance and protection. Puberty brings significant physical, emotional, and hormonal changes that children themselves are learning to navigate.
Understanding doesn't mean eliminating boundaries or consequences. It means responding with greater wisdom.
Instead of immediately asking, Why are you acting like this?, we can become curious:
What is my child learning right now? What might they be trying to figure out? What do they need me to teach them in this season?
That shift can help us move from reactive parenting toward intentional parenting.
Your Child Needs Guidance Without Shame
Shame is different from correction.
Dr. Tina explains that shame can begin when a child repeatedly receives the message that something natural about their development makes them bad, disgusting, unacceptable, or unworthy of love. Over time, a child can begin interpreting those experiences as, "Something must be wrong with me."
We can correct behavior without making the child's identity the problem.
There is an important difference between:
"That wasn't a good decision. Let's talk about what happened."
and
"What's wrong with you?"
Our children need boundaries. They need accountability. But they also need to know that making a mistake does not change their value or their place in the family.
Pay Attention to the Messages Your Kids Are Absorbing
Parents aren't the only voices shaping children.
As kids grow, they receive messages from friends, school, media, culture, and the people around them about what it means to be a boy or girl and what makes them valuable.
Dr. Tina encourages parents to pay attention to those outside messages while also paying close attention to the individual child in front of them. Instead of deciding who our children should become, we can notice their personalities, strengths, passions, and areas where they need guidance.
Our homes can become places where children repeatedly hear:
You don't have to perform to belong here. We want to know who you are, and we're here to help you grow.
Ask More Questions and Give Fewer Lectures
As children move toward adolescence, one practical shift can make a significant difference: ask questions.
When a child makes a poor decision, our instinct may be to explain everything they did wrong. But questions invite them into the process of learning.
Try asking:
What was going through your mind?
Why did that feel like the best choice at the time?
What happened afterward?
What could you do differently next time?
Dr. Tina points out that mistakes can become opportunities for growth when we help kids slow down and think through their decisions. Rather than simply telling them what to think, we're teaching them how to think.
Respect Is Something We Model
Children deserve respect even when they're being corrected.
That doesn't mean parents surrender authority or allow inappropriate behavior. It means remembering that the way we speak, listen, disagree, apologize, and handle conflict is teaching our children how relationships work.
As Dr. Kelly points out in the conversation, if we want children who know how to show respect, they need to experience respect being modeled—not only toward them, but also between the adults in their home.
Repair Is Part of Healthy Parenting
Maybe you're reading this and recognizing ways you've unintentionally passed down something you never wanted your children to carry.
That recognition doesn't mean you've failed.
Repair is part of parenting.
Dr. Tina encourages parents to begin by examining their own stories. What did you learn about yourself growing up? Where did you experience shame? What messages are you still carrying?
Then, when necessary, go back to your child.
You can say:
"I've been learning something, and I realize there are things I wish I had handled differently. I'm sorry. I didn't know then what I know now, but I'm going to keep learning."
When parents practice humility, grace, forgiveness, and growth themselves, children get to see what those things actually look like.
Key Takeaways
Learn what's developmentally normal. Understanding your child's stage can help you respond instead of simply react.
Correct behavior without shaming identity. A poor choice doesn't make a child bad or unworthy.
Stay curious about your child. Don't assume they will think, feel, or respond exactly as you did at their age.
Pay attention to outside messages. Culture is teaching your children about worth, bodies, relationships, boys, and girls—even when you aren't.
Ask questions instead of relying on lectures. Help children learn to examine their own choices.
Model the respect you want to receive. How we treat our children and one another becomes part of their understanding of relationships.
Repair when you get it wrong. Apologizing doesn't undermine your parenting; it demonstrates accountability.
Give yourself grace while continuing to grow. Parenting isn't about knowing everything. It's about remaining willing to learn.
Keep Learning, Keep Repairing
We will make mistakes with our kids. Sometimes we'll recognize patterns from our own upbringing that we never intended to repeat.
But those moments don't have to be the end of the story.
We can learn. We can apologize. We can repair. We can become more curious about the children in front of us instead of assuming we already understand them.
And perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a home where growth and grace can exist together.
About Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers
Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers is an author, educator, and researcher dedicated to helping individuals and families break cycles of shame and build healthier relationships. She is the author of Shameless Parenting and Sex, God & the Conservative Church, with work focused on how childhood experiences, family culture, and shame can shape relationships later in life. Through her teaching and resources, Dr. Tina equips parents to better understand their children, practice repair, and create a legacy of greater grace, respect, and connection.
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