How Can I Help My Son Become the Man God Calls Him to Be? | Pr. Seth Troutt, Ironwood Church
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On today’s episode…
What does it look like to raise boys with a healthy, biblical understanding of masculinity? Dr. Kelly Cagle sits down with Pastor Seth Troutt, author of Authentic Masculinity, to discuss how parents can give their sons a positive vision of the men God created them to become. They explore discipline, responsibility, work and service, healthy male friendships, and how the choices boys make today help shape the men they’ll become tomorrow.
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Show Notes
How Can I Help My Son Become the Man God Calls Him to Be?
Raising a son comes with an important question: What kind of man are we helping him become?
Our boys are growing up surrounded by conflicting messages about masculinity. Some tell them masculinity itself is a problem. Others celebrate a version of manhood built around power, status, money, and using people to get ahead.
But neither gives our sons the full picture of the man God created them to become.
In this episode of Parenting IQ, Dr. Kelly Cagle talks with Pastor Seth Troutt of Ironwood Church, author of Authentic Masculinity, about giving boys a positive, biblical vision of manhood—and helping them begin living toward that vision now.
Give Your Son a Vision, Not Just a List of Rules
Discipline, responsibility, humility, and hard work matter. But simply telling our sons to “work harder,” “be responsible,” or “make better choices” may not be enough.
They also need to understand why.
Pastor Seth explains that when young men are floundering, they often lack a positive vision for who they are trying to become. Without a target, daily responsibilities can feel pointless.
Instead of only correcting what your son is doing wrong, help him imagine the man he could become.
What kind of husband does he want to be?
What kind of father?
How does he want to treat people?
What gifts has God given him to use?
What kind of character will he need to fulfill those responsibilities?
When boys begin seeing their daily choices as preparation for something bigger, discipline becomes more than following rules. It becomes training.
Teach Him That Work Is Also Service
One of the most powerful ideas from the conversation comes from the Genesis account of Adam.
Pastor Seth points out the connection between working and serving, as well as keeping and protecting. From the beginning, work was never intended to be solely about personal achievement.
Our sons need to learn that working hard isn't simply about getting ahead.
Work is an opportunity to serve.
Whether they're completing schoolwork, playing on a team, helping at home, developing a skill, or eventually building a career, we can teach boys to ask:
Who benefits from what I'm doing?
How can I use my strength, abilities, and work to serve someone else?
This gives work a purpose beyond success. It teaches boys that strength and responsibility aren't simply for themselves—they can be used for the good of others.
Discipline Is Training for the Future
Self-discipline can feel restrictive to a child or teenager because they naturally live much more in the present.
Parents can help them connect today's choices with tomorrow's possibilities.
Pastor Seth describes self-discipline as a kind of self-conquest. Before a young man can accomplish the things God has called him to do, he has to learn to lead himself.
That happens through small, ordinary choices.
Doing the schoolwork.
Keeping commitments.
Controlling impulses.
Showing up when something is difficult.
Taking responsibility after making a mistake.
Our sons aren't suddenly going to wake up at 27 with the character required for the life they want. Character is being built right now.
Let Him Experience Healthy Conflict
Holding boundaries isn't always comfortable.
Our children may become frustrated, angry, or disappointed with us—and Pastor Seth points out that parents can become so concerned about maintaining positive feelings that they avoid necessary conflict.
But setting a boundary and holding a boundary are two different things.
Our sons need opportunities to experience disappointment without being rescued from every uncomfortable emotion. They can be upset without being disrespectful.
A helpful phrase Pastor Seth uses with his own children is:
“You're allowed to be sad. You're not allowed to be mean.”
We can acknowledge what our sons feel while still holding them accountable for what they do.
Ask: “Is This the Kind of Man You Want to Be?”
One of the most practical parenting tools from this conversation is surprisingly simple.
When your son behaves in a way that needs correction, don't only focus on the immediate behavior. Connect it to his future character.
“Is this the kind of man you want to be?”
The way a boy speaks to his mother, treats his siblings, responds when he's angry, handles responsibility, and interacts with girls isn't disconnected from his future.
He's practicing.
Every interaction is helping shape the patterns he'll carry into adulthood.
That doesn't mean expecting adult maturity from a child. It means helping him gradually understand that the choices he's making today are forming the man he'll become tomorrow.
Boys Need Brotherhood
Our sons also need to understand that strong men don't have to do life alone.
Pastor Seth emphasizes the importance of healthy male friendship and brotherhood. Men can easily become consumed with work and family responsibilities while meaningful friendships slowly disappear.
Teaching boys to build strong friendships with other men gives them relationships where they can be encouraged, challenged, sharpened, and held accountable.
The goal isn't independence from everyone else.
It's learning how to become a man who can stand strong and walk alongside others.
Don't Forget to Enjoy Your Son
In all our focus on who our boys are becoming, we can't miss who they are today.
Pastor Seth shared something especially important about parenting his young son: he wants his children to know that Dad likes them. Dad plays with them. Dad enjoys them.
Before our sons need another lecture about the future, they need connection in the present.
Play with them.
Listen to them.
Laugh with them.
Learn what they're interested in.
Let them experience that being with them is a joy—not simply another responsibility.
We can cast vision for the future while still allowing a six-year-old to be six, a twelve-year-old to be twelve, and a teenager to still be learning.
Key Takeaways
Give your son a positive vision of manhood. Don't only tell him what not to become; show him what he's growing toward.
Connect work with service. Teach him that strength, leadership, and hard work can be used for the good of others.
Make discipline purposeful. Today's small responsibilities are training for tomorrow's larger ones.
Don't fear healthy conflict. Your son can be disappointed or angry while still being expected to behave respectfully.
Connect choices to character. Ask, “Is this the kind of man you want to be?”
Encourage brotherhood. Boys need healthy male friendships, mentors, and examples of biblical manhood.
Enjoy the boy in front of you. Don't become so focused on raising a future man that you miss building a relationship with your son today.
Raise Him With the Future in Mind
We aren't simply raising boys who follow rules.
We're raising future men.
Men who will work, serve, lead, love, protect, build relationships, make difficult decisions, and hopefully follow God's calling on their lives.
Our job isn't to force them into that future overnight. It's to help them see the vision—and then walk beside them as the small choices of childhood and adolescence slowly shape the men they are becoming.
About Ps. Seth Troutt
Seth Troutt is a pastor, author, and speaker passionate about helping men understand and live out a biblical vision of masculinity. He is the author of Authentic Masculinity, a practical guide designed to help men and young men pursue Christlike character, discipline, responsibility, brotherhood, and purpose. Through his ministry at Ironwood Church and his teaching, Seth equips men and families to think intentionally about the kind of men they are becoming and the legacy they are building.
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