How to Overcome Complex Shame for a Healthier Family w/ Dr. Zoe Shaw
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On today’s episode…
Shame is more than just a feeling—it’s a story we start to believe about ourselves. In this powerful episode, Dr. Zoe Shaw shares her journey through complex shame and how it shaped her passion for helping families break free. She explains the difference between guilt and shame, why shame keeps us hiding, and how parents can avoid passing it on to their kids. Full of grace and practical steps, this conversation offers hope and healing for every parent who wants to raise children rooted in truth and freedom.
Insights
How to Overcome Complex Shame for a Healthier Family
with Dr. Zoe Shaw on the Parenting IQ Podcast
Shame is something we all experience—but when it becomes woven into our identity, it quietly shapes how we see ourselves, how we parent, and how we relate to others. On this episode of the Parenting IQ Podcast, Dr. Zoe Shaw, clinical psychologist, author, and mom of five, opens up about her personal journey with shame and how she now helps families find healing and freedom.
What Is Complex Shame?
Dr. Zoe explains that guilt and shame are not the same thing.
Guilt says, “I did something bad.” It can push us to repair, apologize, and grow.
Shame says, “I am bad.” It attaches to our identity and often drives us to hide.
Complex shame goes deeper—it layers on years of internalized criticism, cultural pressure, family wounds, or unhealed trauma. Left unchecked, it can distort how parents view themselves and, in turn, how children form their own sense of worth.
The Power of Words in Parenting
Shame often seeps into our families through the words we speak. Dr. Zoe warns that when parents use identity-based language (“You’re so messy,” “You’re bad”), children may absorb those words as truth about who they are. Instead, parents should separate behavior from identity—correcting the action without labeling the child.
This shift helps kids develop resilience and confidence, instead of carrying labels that can turn into lifelong shame.
Breaking the Cycle
Dr. Zoe emphasizes that shame is multi-generational—it gets passed down unless someone chooses to break the cycle. Healing begins with:
Recognizing the “phantom critic”: the internalized voices of past criticism.
Harnessing your truth-teller: speaking truth about your identity and God-given worth.
Forgiveness: giving up hope of a better past and releasing the weight of “what ifs.”
As parents heal their own shame, they stop projecting it onto their children—creating homes marked by grace instead of fear.
Faith and Freedom
Drawing from Scripture, Dr. Zoe reminds us that shame was never God’s design. It entered through the enemy to separate us from Him. But through Christ’s forgiveness, families can live free of shame’s grip. Healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about walking in grace and showing our kids that we are loved, accepted, and enough.
Key Takeaway
You don’t have to wait until rock bottom to start healing. By addressing shame now, you not only change your own story—you change your children’s story too.
📖 Dr. Zoe’s new book Stronger in the Difficult Places dives deeper into these topics and offers practical steps toward freedom. You can find it wherever books are sold.
🎧 Listen to the full conversation on the Parenting IQ Podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite platform).
About Dr. Zoe Shaw
Dr. Zoe Shaw is a psychotherapist, motivational speaker, podcast host, relationship coach, and author of A Year of Self Care. She writes the "Ask Dr. Zoe" column in The Grit and Grace Project and has been featured in Psychology Today, Oprah Daily, and recovery Today magazine
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Parenting is hard work. It requires tons of boundaries, daily consistency, so much awareness, as well as lots of patience, grace, wisdom, and filters. Combine that hefty list with all of life’s demands and others’ voice may become louder than yours in your child’s life, increasing their anxiety, fears, and doubts.
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