Parenting Adult Children w/ Catherine Hickem
Building Strong Relationships
Equipping parents during their child’s academic years to bring learning to daily moments.
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On today’s episode…
In this episode, Dr. Kelly Cagle sits down with Catherine Hickem to explore what it really takes to build strong, lasting relationships with adult children. They discuss how to evolve as your children grow, process grief and expectations, set healthy boundaries, and respond instead of react. If you want your kids to keep coming home—physically and emotionally—this conversation will give you practical wisdom and hope.
Show Notes
Parenting Adult Children: Building Connection That Lasts
with Catherine Hickem
Parenting adult children is not the finish line.
It’s the next level.
Many parents spend the first 18 years focused on protection, provision, and preparation—only to discover that the real relational work begins once their children leave home.
In this powerful conversation, Catherine Hickem shares wisdom that is both grounding and deeply hopeful: it is possible to have strong, respectful, connected relationships with adult children—but it requires intentional evolution.
Below are the key principles every parent should understand—whether your child is 14 or 34.
1. The Relationship Must Always Matter More Than the Issue
Catherine describes her adult-child relationships as built on one foundational truth:
The issues never become the focal point. The relationship does.
Hard conversations will happen. Disagreements will surface. Life choices may look different than what you imagined.
But when respect and connection are prioritized over being right, trust grows.
If you want adult children who still call, still visit, still confide in you—make protecting the relationship the highest value.
2. Evolve as They Evolve
One of the most powerful insights from Catherine’s journey is this:
“She always evolved and changed as I evolved and changed.”
Our children are not static. Neither should we be.
What worked at age 8 will not work at 18.
What worked at 18 will not work at 28.
Healthy parenting requires adaptation without losing your core identity. Evolving is not weakness—it’s respect. It signals to your child:
I see who you are becoming, and I’m willing to grow with you.
3. Prepare Now by Becoming a Responder, Not a Reactor
Teen years are not just preparation for independence—they are rehearsal for adult trust.
Catherine offers a sobering reality:
Children know what their parents can handle by the time they turn 18.
If you react with anger, shame, or alarm, your child learns:
“I can’t bring hard things here.”
But if you respond calmly and curiously, they learn:
“I can be honest and still be loved.”
This shift—from reaction to response—may be the single most important long-term investment in adult connection.
Pause.
Breathe.
Respond intentionally.
4. Tell Them You Love Them—and That You Like Them
One of Catherine’s most memorable parenting lessons came from her son at age eight:
“You’re supposed to love me. But do you like me?”
Love can feel obligatory.
Liking feels personal.
Affirm the specific qualities you admire. Speak respect over who they uniquely are. Adult children who know they are both loved and liked stay emotionally connected.
5. Grieve Expectations So You Can Embrace Reality
When children leave home—through college, career, or marriage—there is inevitable grief.
Sometimes it’s the empty bedroom.
Sometimes it’s the silence.
Sometimes it’s the realization that life won’t look the way you pictured.
Grief is not weakness. It is release.
When we process and surrender our expectations, we free ourselves to receive what is, rather than cling to what should have been.
Unprocessed expectations become hidden resentments.
Processed grief becomes open-handed love.
6. Resilience Comes from Struggle—Don’t Rescue Too Quickly
If adult children repeatedly return for financial rescue, Catherine emphasizes one powerful truth:
Rescuing constantly undermines confidence.
When we over-function, we communicate:
“I don’t believe you can handle this.”
Instead:
Help them create a budget.
Set clear boundaries.
Allow natural consequences.
Express confidence in their ability to solve problems.
Struggle builds muscle—just like when a baby learns to crawl. Without tension, growth does not occur.
Boundaries are not rejection.
They are belief in capability.
7. If You’ve Made Mistakes, It’s Not Too Late
For parents who feel they’ve already damaged the relationship, Catherine offers courageous counsel:
Initiate a conversation.
Say, “I think I’ve hurt you. I want to apologize. What do you remember that I need to own?”
Do not defend.
Do not explain.
Listen.
Humility resets relationships. Adult children deeply respect parents willing to say, “I was wrong.”
It truly is never too late to be a great parent.
8. Build the Four Pillars That Keep Them Coming Home
Every adult child longs for four things:
To be loved
To be accepted
To be respected
To be known
When those pillars exist, connection endures.
This is how doors stay open.
This is how holidays feel safe.
This is how phone calls continue.
This is how adult children still want to come home.
For Parents Still in the Early Years
If your children are still at home, this is your preparation season.
Create emotional safety now.
Affirm identity now.
Model respectful conversation now.
Teach problem-solving now.
Allow healthy struggle now.
Adult connection begins in childhood consistency.
Parenting adult children is not about control—it’s about influence.
Not about perfection—but humility.
Not about holding tighter—but loving wisely.
And the beautiful truth?
If you’re willing to grow, it is never too late.
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