The Small Habits That Slowly Destroy a Marriage w/ Lindsey Maestas
Establishing Necessary Boundaries
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On today’s episode…
In this episode, Dr. Kelly Cagle sits down with Lindsey Maestas to uncover the small, everyday habits that can slowly create distance in a marriage. They discuss how distractions, unmet expectations, resentment, and avoiding hard conversations can weaken connection—and how simple shifts like putting down your phone, taking responsibility for your own patterns, dating your spouse, and keeping Christ at the center can help rebuild intimacy and friendship.
Show Notes
The Small Habits That Slowly Destroy a Marriage
Most marriages don’t fall apart because of one dramatic moment. More often, distance grows slowly—in the conversations we avoid, the phones we keep scrolling, the resentment we allow to build, and the ways we stop intentionally choosing each other.
In my conversation with Lindsey Maestas, author of Don’t Burn Your Own House Down, we talked about the small patterns that can quietly weaken a marriage—and the intentional habits that can begin strengthening it again.
Marriage Needs to Be Tended
One of the easiest traps in marriage is assuming that because you live together, you’re spending quality time together.
But doing laundry, managing schedules, feeding kids, paying bills, and sitting in the same room aren't necessarily connection.
Lindsey explained that intimacy requires intentionality. The vulnerability, playfulness, curiosity, and pursuit that often come naturally while dating have to become choices once life gets busy.
Ask yourself: When was the last time we spent time together simply enjoying each other—not accomplishing something?
Stop Keeping Score and Start Looking in the Mirror
It is much easier to notice what your spouse needs to change.
He’s always distracted.
She’s always on her phone.
He never helps enough.
She’s constantly criticizing me.
But constantly evaluating your spouse can keep you from recognizing your own unhealthy patterns.
One of Lindsey’s biggest lessons was learning to ask, “What am I contributing to this?”
That doesn't mean ignoring genuine problems or refusing to address unhealthy behavior. It means recognizing that you cannot control another person. You can take responsibility for your words, reactions, expectations, habits, and relationship with God.
Self-evaluation can accomplish what finger-pointing rarely does: create space for growth.
Be Careful Who You Invite Into Your Marriage
Community can be incredibly important when a marriage is struggling. Lindsey shared that trusted Christian community played a significant role during one of the hardest seasons of her own marriage.
But there is a difference between seeking wise counsel and simply venting about your spouse.
When we repeatedly tell friends everything our spouse is doing wrong, they hear the conflict—but they may never experience the reconciliation that happens later.
Protecting your marriage includes protecting the way you speak about your spouse when they aren't in the room.
Find people who will listen with wisdom, point you toward truth, encourage healthy boundaries when needed, and ultimately want restoration rather than simply taking sides.
Your Spouse Cannot Be Everything
We can unintentionally place enormous expectations on our spouse.
We want them to provide emotional connection, excitement, security, friendship, romance, financial stability, adventure, encouragement, and fulfillment.
Eventually, we can expect another imperfect person to provide what only God can ultimately give.
Lindsey described an important shift in her marriage: learning to separate what she expected from her husband from what she needed to receive from Jesus.
When Christ is where He belongs, it removes an impossible amount of pressure from marriage.
Your spouse can love you deeply without being responsible for completing you.
Put Down the Phone and Look at Each Other
One of the smallest habits creating distance in modern marriages may also be one of the most common: choosing our phones over connection.
Lindsey shared several simple boundaries couples can experiment with:
Touch your spouse before touching your phone in the morning.
Consider charging phones outside the bedroom.
Greet each other intentionally when someone comes home.
Make eye contact when you're talking.
Create regular phone-free opportunities for connection.
None of these actions are complicated. But repeated consistently, small moments communicate something powerful:
You still have my attention.
Bring Fun Back Into Your Marriage
Marriage cannot consist entirely of serious conversations, responsibilities, parenting decisions, finances, and problems that need solving.
Sometimes you need to laugh again.
Try something new. Take a walk. Play pickleball. Make dessert after the kids go to bed. Have a picnic on the living room floor. Sit outside together. Surprise each other.
You don't need an expensive date night to date your spouse.
You need intentional time where you're not simply functioning as coworkers managing a household.
Friendship matters in marriage. Keep building it.
Don't Avoid the Conversations That Make You Uncomfortable
Money was one example Lindsey and I discussed, but this applies to many areas of marriage.
Avoiding difficult conversations doesn't remove the problem. It often allows a small problem to become a much larger one.
Instead of waiting until frustration explodes, practice vulnerability while the issue is still manageable.
When approaching a difficult topic, begin with your own heart:
Where might I need to change?
What am I afraid of?
What expectations am I bringing into this conversation?
What would it look like for us to solve this as teammates instead of opponents?
And when necessary, invite trusted, qualified counsel into the conversation rather than continuing the same argument over and over.
Small Habits Build—or Burn—the House
Healthy marriages aren't built through one grand romantic gesture.
They're built through thousands of ordinary decisions.
Putting down the phone. Giving the kiss. Having the conversation. Speaking kindly about your spouse. Choosing vulnerability. Taking responsibility.
Making time for fun. Turning toward each other instead of slowly drifting apart.
The habits may feel small, but over months and years, they create the culture of your marriage.
So instead of only asking, “What's wrong with our marriage?” consider asking:
“What small habit can I change today that would help us move toward each other again?”
That small decision might matter more than you realize.
About Lindsey Maestas
Lindsey Maestas is an author, speaker, and host of the Living Easy with Lindsey podcast, where she encourages women in faith, marriage, motherhood, and relationships. She is the author of Don’t Burn Your Own House Down and creator of The Wife Project and The Sex & Intimacy Project, resources designed to help couples strengthen connection and intimacy. Through her work, Lindsey equips women to pursue healthy, Christ-centered relationships while taking practical steps toward growth in their everyday lives.
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